Violence UnSilenced Story – Revised and Revived

My story from September 29, 2011 was removed from the Violence Unsilenced Website. http://violenceunsilenced.com  I completely understand why.  My story was fragmented, rambling, and difficult to understand.  It is clear I was in an extreme amount of pain at that time.  I have salvaged what I thought was worth keeping and tried to clean it up in a more understandable format.

Here is the edited form of the story …

The following are the sexual abusive acts my brothers either did to me or did in front of me using some form of force, manipulation, and/or intimidation while I was between the ages of 5 – 11 years old during the 1970s:

Violence Labeled:

Types of Abuses Oldest Brother 2nd Oldest Brother
Hands-off Abuse (In my presence):
·         Verbal Sexual Taunting & cruel mockery me X X
·         Sexual Grooming of me X X
·         Sexual Acts between brothers X X
·         Full Frontal Nudity X X
·         Masturbation X X
·         Exposure to Pornography X X
·         Encouraging and Viewing other brother rape me while he masturbated. X
Hands-on Abuse to me:
·         Sexual fondling, touching, or sexual contact X
·         Oral to genital contact X
·         Attempted intercourse (Simulated Sex) X
·         Actual intercourse (Rape) X
·         Physical injuries resulting from rapes X
·         Visit to the ER as a result of one sever physical injury X
  • The oldest brother fully admitted and took responsibility for his part and has shown full remorse for his part. He agreed with my memory of what was done to me.
  • The 2nd oldest brother minimized his actions, blamed me, and gave numerous excuses. He never showed me the same remorse and full responsibility for his actions that B1 has shown.

Clues sexual abuse was going on in childhood:

  • Frequent complaints of stomach aches and head aches
  • Low productivity in school: Special low Math and reading groups (K – 8). Evaluation for Special school district in 5th grade
  • Speech therapy focused on lack of “TH” sound usage (the blended consonants represented the abuse and my brothers used this sound for taunting me in front of my parents.)
  • Phenobarbital prescribed at the end of 2nd grade and continued into 3rd grade for emotional turmoil.
  • UTIs
  • Unexplained bruises on my thighs
  • ER visit for vaginal bleeding at age 7 due to lacerations inside my vagina.

My parents found out about the abuse when I was 16. My mother found my journals. I was very depressed at 16. My mother’s response was a drunken rage and making fun of me and my journals. My father joined in when he came home. I really wanted to commit suicide that night but instead I shut up and shut down and became submissive like so many other times in my life.  I was broken.

I can’t remember a time that PTSD, depression, and distorted thinking has not been a part of my life.  I have been in counseling or therapy most of my adult life.  I still struggle with interpersonal relationships, depression, and sorted other emotional problems. I struggle to avoid isolation. I am in charge of my own life and I know I can’t blame current situations on my past.  Taking care of me and my healing process has to remain first if I am to thrive and enjoy my life today.  I am more than my past.


Rewind To Fast-Forward

Director Sasha Joseph Neulinger spent his childhood in front of a camera. His father Henry, also a documentary filmmaker, shot over two hundred hours of home video capturing every aspect of Sasha’s young life. But within the footage of birthday parties, family trips, and hockey games, something dark was hidden.  Sasha revisits his father’s videos and the painful secret of his early years—a secret that would shift the course of his life.

Between the ages of three and seven, Sasha was sexually abused by two of his uncles and one male cousin. After Sasha came forward and spoke up about the abuse, his father Henry shared a secret of his own.  Henry’s brothers, the same men who had abused Sasha, had also abused Henry as a boy.  Sasha spent a decade entangled in the criminal justice system—and struggling to find his identity in the aftermath of his stolen childhood. This autobiographical film will unearth a historical case of multigenerational sexual abuse and by doing so, it will also give intimate and inspiring insight into one survivor’s healing process.

His website is at: http://rewindtofastforward.com/

His Kickstarter Project is at: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sashaneulinger/rewind-to-fast-forward

Visual imagery with audio is a powerful tool. This film is quite significant for me as a survivor.  I hope this young man succeeds in his Kickstarter project because I look forward to watching his film.  


The Secret Life of Paula Brave: Little Girl – Super Hero – Warrior

Introduction

Once upon a time there lived a little girl named Paula Brave. She lived in a small house with her Mother and Father and two older brothers, Stephan and Mark. It appeared to most people that Paula was a typical second grade girl whose day included going to school, playing with dolls, and cuddling cats. But this was not the case for Paula Brave… Paula Brave’s true identity was a super hero warrior!

Paula Brave - Little Girl – Super Hero - Warrior

Paula Brave – Little Girl – Super Hero – Warrior

Chapter 1: Invasion of the Hand People

Bedtime seems like a harmless thing for most kids. “Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite” and then you are off to sleep in dreamland with no further thoughts of the day. This maybe the case for some kids but not for Paula Brave… After bidding her parents good night, Paula would go to her bedroom to change into her protective armor!

Preparations were underway for the invasion … the “Hand People” one of Paula’s most frightening foes. One touch from the enemy caused fatal death. Each night Paula prepared herself by putting on helmet and neck guard (winter hat and scarf). She would then roll up in her blankets securely like a cocoon. The blankets could not hang off the bed or the evil Hand People would have a way to crawl under the blankets to get her.

With helmet, neck guard, and blanket properly in place she could guarantee a night free of the poison hands. But sometimes this did not always work …

Paula wondered if the hand people got into her room through the window that separated her room from her brother’s room. She knew that could not be when she could not open the window. Even using her super power of strength! Paula laid traps (toys) in front of the window just incase the hands made it through window. “That will stop them for sure!” she thought. But sometimes this did not always work …

Sometimes the morning would arrive and she would find the window open with the traps (toys) moved or broken. How could this be?

The hand people could visit her dreams. In her dreams, she would come to a long hallway of arms with hands sprouted from either side of the wall. The door was closed and locked behind her and she was forced to make it down the hall without being touched.

One day Paula found her dream superpower and found out that she could fly away from the wall of grasping hands.

Chapter 2: The Hissing

Fighting with your brothers and sisters is considered typically a normal part of growing up. “Get out of my room!”; “Don’t touch my stuff!”; “You broke it!”; “That’s mine!”; The angry remarks could go on and for most kids, they fade away and are forgotten, but not so for Paula Brave. Sometime when Paula’s parents were not watching, her brothers would turn into SNAKES!

Her brothers would shed their clothes to reveal their scales. Her brother Stephen would become the snake Stephen and her brother Mark would become snake Mark. They would slither about hissing and ask her to play. They would ask her to play without her clothes on so she could be like them. The snake Stephan would stalk and capture Paula. He would wrap around her and move up and down on top of her. The snake-Stephen will flick his tongue on Paula and tell her to stop moving. The snake-Mark would only stalk Paula giggling and hissing while touching himself and Stephan.

Paula could not escape the tight grip of the snake and they could not hear her pleas “Stop it!” so she would use her super powers to take herself away from her body. She would travel to her cat named Tiger where she could be just a little girl with her kitty. They would play with yarn and Paula would feed the cat treats and pet her. Sometimes her cat would turn into a big panther that would protect her from the snakes.

When Stephan the Snake finally let go of Paula sometimes he would talk with the other snake, Mark, and they would stalk and touch each other. They would talk about special showers they would take for each other. Paula would come back to her body after playing with her cat. Sometimes Paula would cry because she did not like her brothers to be snakes and sometimes she did not feel well after being squeezed.

Before the snakes turned back into her brothers they would try to make Paula feel better by telling her how much better she is treated by her parents compared to them and how they were beaten and that she could only trust them and not to trust her parents because they might beat her. Other times the snakes would tell her she was a tattle-tale or a baby. Paula did not want to be baby or tattle-tale and she did not want to be beaten so she did not tell anyone.

Paula would then drift to her bedroom and play with her toys and cat. Sometimes Paula played with her friends outside. Sometimes Paula would forget that her brothers were ever snakes and she would try to play board games with them.

The times that Paula would forget that her brothers turned into snakes, her brothers would hiss at her to remind her. Their hiss was a long “TH” sound and had the power to make Paula cry. They would do this in front of Mom and Dad but her parents did not know their sons could turn into snakes so they would become angry and tell Paula to shut up.

Sometimes her parents knew that her brothers were making her cry and they would tell them to stop it.

There were many angry words and sad times in her house because Paula’s parents did not get along with each other. Sometimes her parents were very angry at Paula’s brothers because they were getting in trouble at school for fighting or doing drugs. Paula would use her super power to go away with her cat so she did not have to hear the anger.

Chapter 3: Tainted Treats

Eating yummy ice cream treats is a fun way to spend a hot summer day. Children that live in the city or suburb look forward to a visit from the ice cream truck. Playing music and ringing a bell. The children run as fast as they can to buy the cold treats. Paula’s family lived next door to an ice cream shop so they did not have to go far to enjoy a sundae. Sometime when Paula’s parents were not watching, her brothers would POISON Paula’s ice cream!

When Paula’s brothers became snakes they would ask her to do things for them and they would give her ice cream. Paula knew she had no choice but to do what they asked but she was not going to eat the ice cream after they poisoned it.

Snake-Stephan would pull Paula’s face into the place where he went pee. First he asked sweetly, pretending that he was not a snake but her brother. Paula whined “nooooooo!” Then he told her that she was going to do that and he would reward her with the best ice cream the shop could offer. Paula whined “nooooooo!” Then he used all his snake cunning and put Paula’s face into the place on his body where he went pee. Paula cried and tried to move. Using her super powers she drifted away to her cat. But she could still hear the snakes hiss, “Haha! She is doing it!”

When she came back to her body, she was frightened and alone on a chair in the basement. Paula’s brothers opened the back door to the basement and cheerfully brought her some ice cream. Paula began to cry. She did not know why she was crying but she did know that she did not want to eat poisoned ice cream. Then Paula’s Dad came in and wanted to know why she was crying. Paula could not talk because she was too sad. Paula’s brothers told their Dad that Paula asked for ice cream and they went to the store and bought her some with their own money and now she does not want it. Stephan exclaimed, “She is nothing but a big BABY!” Paula’s Dad did not know why Paula would be so mean to her brothers and refuse ice cream that they bought for her. Paula’s Dad said, “GO TO YOUR ROOM! HOW CAN YOU TREAT YOUR BROTHERS LIKE THIS!”

Paula went to her room and fell fast asleep and thought no more about the bad trick that her brothers played on her.

Chapter 4: Attack of the Killer Swing

Playing on the playground, sliding down slides, swing on swings, and laughing out loud; a kid in grade school could pass the hours in a park or a backyard with such fun things. Paula’s friends lived just one block away and in their yard was a swing set where she loved to play. But on one particular day the swing that she loved so much turned into a BEAST with sharp teeth!

Today was like any other day for Paula: eat breakfast, watch TV, play with her dolls, and of course her brothers taking her to the basement where they turned into snakes. Just like before, Snake-Stephan would stalk and capture Paula and wrap around her and move up and down on top of her while flicking his tongue. “Stoopp Ittttt” Paula would whined. Snake-Stephan shouted, “STOP MOVING!” Paula started to drift off but this time was different. This time she felt pain. This time the crying started before he was done with her. She then felt no more and drifted further away than she had ever been. Her super powers had grown stronger.

When Basement Snakes Attack!

When she came back to her body, she found herself in the upstairs bathroom wondering how she got there. She felt a sharp pain between her legs. “How embarrassing to hurt right there” she said to herself, “Maybe the pain will go away. Maybe it will go away if I go play”. Paula left her house to go play at her friend’s house. Her friend had to eat dinner but said she could wait outside for her on the swing set. Paula loved to stand on the swing and pretend she was Tarzan. But when she climbed to stand up on the swing she felt an unbearable sharp stab between her legs and then looked down to see blood trickle freely down her legs into her shoes.

Her mind began to race and she became drenched in worry. “It must have been the swing” she muttered quietly to herself. “How embarrassing!” she cried. She went to the friend’s door to ask to use the bathroom. She thought to herself, “I just need to clean this up so know one will know”. Her friend answered the door and let her through to the bathroom. Everyone was in the kitchen and her friend did not notice the blood. Once the door was shut, Paula pulled down her shorts and underwear that were now soaked with blood and tried to wipe up what she could with toilet paper but the blood just kept coming.

It had been a few minutes and Paula’s friend Cathy knocked on the door. “Are you ok in there, Paula?” said Cathy. “Ah well …. I have a problem” Paula replied trying to sound causal, “there is this blood”. “BLOOD!” exclaimed Cathy, “Let me get my Mom!” Paula continued to wipe up the blood from her legs and off her shoes with toilet paper. Then a knock came to the bathroom door again “Paula? Are you okay? I am going to come in.” She opened the door, “OH MY GOD! Go get a towel and wash cloth Cathy!”

Cathy’s Mother helped to clean Paula up and then Paula sat on the side of the tub with a towel between her legs while she waited for her own Mother to get there. Upon her mother’s arrival, Paula could hear Cathy’s Mom tell her own Mother before they entered the bathroom, “She said it was our swing but I don’t see how it is possible since her shorts are not torn … And it does not seem like a period and she is too young for that”. Her mother dressed Paula and put her in the car and drove her home. Paula lay in her own bed with a towel between her legs as she continued to bleed. Her parents started to argue about taking her to the hospital and finally at last her Father picked her up, walked her to the car, and drove her to the emergency room.

Paula was questioned many times about what happen and Paula remained firm that the killer swing was to blame. The doctor told Paula’s Mom that Paula had cuts inside her vagina and he was considering stitches but thought that would take surgery. He wanted to keep Paula over night at the hospital but Paula’s Mom started to scream and cry repeatedly “NO!!!!” Paula got to go back home and sit in a tub with warm water and wear a pad between her legs. After a few weeks her vagina did not hurt and bleed no more.

The killer swing was removed and thrown away and none of this was ever mentioned again.

Chapter 5: Super Hero Warrior

Paula Brave Little Girl Super Hero Warrior lived to fight another day. She built a fortress to fend off the dreaded Hand People. She battled the venomous snakes. She avoided the poisoned ice cream. She had the beastly swing put away where it could never hurt another ever again. Truly, Paula Brave is a Super Hero Warrior.

The snake named Mark turned back into her brother after the monster swing was defeated; However, Paula continued to fight off the snake named Stephen for a few more years. Eventually, Stephen moved away and life started to get better for Paula. Paula’s life was forever changed … for even a Super Hero Warrior carries scars from battles that have long passed.

Paula Brave August 1974

Here is the real Paula Brave preparing for battle as she is standing on the decommissioned USS Inaugural (AM-242) Admirable-class fleet minesweeper in August 1974. The ship was decommissioned in 1946 and set up as a museum ship in St. Louis, Missouri in 1968.


Shatter the Silence! – John’s Story

I have had the good fortune to correspond with a gentleman with childhood sexual abuse experiences similar to my own.  His story can be found at: http://www.livingwell.org.au/from-men/johns-story/   (John’s story)

A quote from his opening paragraph could have almost been written by myself: “My story starts in the late 60’s, my memories are not clear on dates, etc. I was around 7-8 years old and was the youngest in a large family. The next youngest was a brother, my tormentor. He was 6-7 years older than me. He was always resentful and cruel to me, he had been “the baby” for a long time. Perhaps he was jealous, though he was always our Dad’s “golden-haired child”.”

With a few minor exceptions, this paragraph matches my own life story.  My own story starts in the early 70s and my brother had my mother’s brown hair and brown eyes; however, my brother was very much my parent’s “golden child”.  My brother was 7 ½ years older than me and like John’s story, my brother was my resentfully cruel jealous tormentor.  My rapist brother was in charge of me and my oldest brother.

Though, unlike my story, John’s story does have a silver lining where he was able to find JUSTICE!

It is eerie how two people from completely different families, backgrounds, and countries can have such similarly sad childhoods.  The characteristics of sibling sexual abuse are somewhat universal especially when it continues to go unnoticed by the parents and other adults with no early interventions to stop the abuse.  The abusing sibling is given “free rein” to rule over the other sibling(s) as they see fit.

It is clear, John was able to take the ultimate act of letting go of the responsibility for the childhood sexual abuse. And with the help of justice system in his country, he was no longer taking responsible for or protecting the person who abused him, his brother, and his brother faced the consequences of his own actions. (The wording highlighted in bold is from step 3 of Survivors of Incest Anonymous, The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.  Literature is available at: http://www.siawso.org/Default.aspx?pageId=1633106 )

shatter thes silence


Sibling Sexual Violence Collage

SSA Collage

There are 34 specific images in this collage.  Each one holds a specific meaning for me.  Some of the meanings are easy to interpret while others hold a much deeper psychological meaning for me.  The following, starting from top left to bottom right, is a key to each image and what they mean to me:

  1. “Big Brother is Watching You” sign = literally means that my brother was my baby sitter and whether he was my sitter or not his eyes were on me in sexual and also in very critical ways.
  2. Little girl plays with the doll while the big brother is standing by = used to show the obvious power and size difference between me and my brother.  What he did to me was NOT child’s play!
  3. Big Brother (Green) and Little Sister (Orange) = simply pointing out the two main siblings in conflict.  The color green used for the big brother does actually imply that my brother was actually “green” with envy of me.  There is a conversation bubble coming from the big brother stating “She’s the baby – everybody spoils her”.  This was an actual statement I was told numerous times by my brother growing up (especially before and after he raped me); he made sure that I would not receive any indulgence from him.  If I was spoiled as a child, it was not through indulgence but through complete neglect; like how food goes bad in the refrigerator.
  4. “No Whining” with a red circle slash = literally means that whining or complaints were not allowed in my household.  Whining or complaints were either ignored or yelled at or punished by brothers or parents.
  5. Silhouette of a girl sitting in a dark isolated hallway = this is a clear reflection of the depression and isolation that is left in the wake of CSA.  The abuse may not be happening anymore for the feelings and memories linger.
  6. “Hands On” with blue hand prints = literally translates that the abuser had physical sexual contact with the victim which only adds to the trauma left behind.
  7. Ostrich with his head in the sand = Illustrates another metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth ignored and remains unaddressed. The expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss. People still pretend and choose to avoid dealing with the looming big issue.  This is a common reaction by the family and community when dealing with sibling sexual violence.  Also, as said before, visible signs of child sexual abuse are rare but when physical signs are demonstrated and ignored, then an obvious truth is ignored and remains unaddressed.
  8. “Cry Baby” with a tear and a black circle slash = like most dysfunctional families crying was put down and silenced however for me this symbol goes beyond this simple meaning.  I could be easily brought to tears because I was almost constantly teased by my brothers.  My brother’s made a tape recording of their favorite taunt “PAU-LA IS A BAB-Y … he HE he HE he HE he” chanted repeatedly to me over and over again with me crying in the background asking this to “Stop it”.  They would then play this tape recording to me repeatedly to me and laugh at my hysterical sobbing response.  This must have gone on for months before my parents accidentally found this recording and my brothers got in trouble.  Of course there was sexually abusive retaliation on the part of one of my brothers towards me.  I believe this conditioning is one of the ways that at least one of my brother, the main abuser, used to keep me “in line” and quiet.  This also points out why parents need to supervise their kids better and not assume that your older children make great role models and/or baby sitters for their younger siblings.
  9. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” with stick figure screaming in anger = The amount of abuse I endured was over whelming and unfortunately this was something I rarely shouted at home due to the amount of fear I had for my main abuser brother and my parent’s on going emotional  and alcohol abuse.  However, I did occasionally scream this at school which placed me as a target of taunts and ridicule from other kids that did not understand my strange outbursts.  At the time, I did not understand myself why I had these outbursts either so that only made things worse.  I just seemed to be overly sensitive and could easily be brought to tears when I was not busy being spaced out or day dreaming.  Things did get somewhat easier for me after the main abuser brother moved out of the house but it seemed like I was always trying to catch up to knowledge other kids already had.
  10. Blood droplets in a clear pool of water = this image represents images that I still carry with me of blood that occurred after being raped the first time by my 2nd oldest brother.  At 7 years old, this was extremely frightening for me to see blood running down my leg into my shoe and droplets falling into the toilet bowl and into the bath tub.  At 7, I had no frame of reference for why this was happening.  I do remember my feelings alternated from very numb (having no feelings attached to the moment) to embarrassment to fear to confusion.
  11. Shadowy hands reaching up towards a girls bare feet revealing the bottom of her nightgown = this image represents my deep psychological fear of the “hand people” that lived under my bed and in my nightmares.  I talk about them in my Paula Brave story but this was an actual fear that plagued my childhood.
  12. Girl slumped over in a crotched position hiding her face as a shadowy figure comes up behind her = I can’t begin to tell you how many times I sat in this position as a child.  It seemed like my brother/brothers came out of nowhere.
  13. Game of Jacks photo = Many times sibling sexual abuse is compared to child’s play and not taken seriously by the family and the community.  Sibling sexual abuse is now being found to be one of the more common forms of child abuse with impact similar to any other form of childhood sexual abuse.
  14. Girl hiding behind a table, lamp, and chair = I became very good at hiding.  If my brother/s could not find me then I could not be abused.  The fear on the girl’s face reminded me of fear that I have experienced in my hiding places.
  15. Girl wearing a dunce cap holding a book in front of her mouth embarrassed in front of her classmates = I never had to where a dunce cap but I have felt the humiliation and embarrassment of being the kid in lowest reading and math group and being pulled out of class for “special testing”.  It was not unusual for me to cry because some kid figured out that It was easy to bring me to tears by making fun of my slow reading or awkwardness or my out of fashion clothing.
  16. 6 phrases/questions on a red background with conversation bubbles :
    1. “What will my friends say?”  = A frequent and sometimes justified worry.  Other kids do not want to deal with a friend with too many psychological problems nor do they know what to say when those problems are attributed to child sexual abuse.
    2. “Who do I speak with?”  = A frequent concern when I was growing up because most adults in my life could not be trusted to really help me especially when my experiences were similar to their own and the main stream accepted thought was that this is just something that kids have to endure and “get over it”.  The adults in my life used alcohol and domestic violence to “get over it”.
    3. “What will people think?”  = A frequent phrased used to shame the victim of abuse into silence.
    4. “I was abused.”  = This phrase comes with many social stigmas.
    5. “Who will trust me?”  = It was difficult for me to believe myself much less that others will be able to believe me.
    6. “Should we report it?” = An argument that I overheard my parents going through before they took me to the ER.  When the hospital ER staff could not recognize child sexual abuse this was the ultimate ignorance to an obvious truth that my abusive brother needed to continue raping me.
  17. Man and Woman arguing while pointing fingers at each other = this reference is to my parents that would rather point fingers at each other for why this happened instead of protecting their children.
  18. Stick figures of a family on shattered glass = Sibling sexual violence does shatter the family.
  19. “Shame on You” with a finger pointing back at you = The shame tends to fall back on the victim of sibling sexual violence since they have the smallest voice and no one else wants to be held accountable.
  20. “Little Sister” with sketch of a smiley faced big brother holding his smiley faced little sister up = I lost my relationships with my brothers and there is no way to reclaim that innocence.
  21. Sketch of an angry person standing with clinched fists = this person could represent anyone in my family including myself.  I normally think of my mother when I see this picture because she was normally angry when I was growing up and I tried to avoid her for this reason.  She was extremely angry towards me when she found out about the sibling sexual abuse in my journals when I was 16.
  22.  Sketch of a person sitting holding knees to chest with a lost expression = A place I have visited often in my life.
  23. Red Blood Droplet = another reference to the blood from the first rape.
  24. “Get your hands off of me” on a thumb print = bruises left on my body from the rape.
  25. Sketch of a small girl hiding her mouth behind her hands = I had no voice.
  26. 70s alcohol/cocktail ad showing adults having fun at a gathering = The adults in my life seemed to be more concerned and consumed with drinking and going to parties/social events then with supervising their own children.
  27. Girl in crouching position in corner hiding her face in her chest with another person’s fist hovering over her = the threat I felt over me if I tell, as well as, the extreme fear I felt.
  28. Sketch of a girl huddled in a corner hiding in covers trying to hide her fearful face with her hands = another example of the extreme fear I felt and continued helplessness.
  29. Simple outline of a younger girl with blood on her dress, running down her legs, on her shoes, and pooling below her feet = another visual example of the blood from the first rape.
  30. “It’s not “sex”. Its RAPE” sign = This statement says it all!  Don’t let anyone ever convince you different.
  31. “Incest.  When you are ready to root-out THE problem” with sketch of a tree listing various problems that stem from incest (from Survivors of Incest Anonymous) = Excellent diagram of all the problems that are a direct result of incest.
  32. “SHHH …” Female with finger to mouth = another example of being without a voice.
  33. “Family Tree” Sketch = sibling sexual violence (SSV) involves the entire family.  SSV is the result, NOT the cause of a dysfunctional family.  Families when confronted with the truth of SSV will try to convince you that if there was no SSV then the family would be well.  This is not the case.  It is the extreme family dysfunction that brings about sad results like SSV.
  34. Woman sweeping dirt under the rug = SSV cannot be swept under the rug.  It will show itself weather the family members choice to deal with it or not.  Bringing SSV into the open and dealing with it directly is the only way that I am aware of to help all family members involved, especially protection of the victim, as well as, future generations.

Things that were said in the course of an assault

I whined “Stoooppppp! It Hurrrttttssss”

My Brother said “Shut UP!  It does not and stop moving!  You are such a stupid little baby!”

I think I remember him moaning and breathing heavy to.  I think I remember the loud moan he made as he climaxed …. I don’t like remembering this …… it makes me want to hide and cry :(

Another Time …………

I whined “Noooooo I don’t want to it’s icky … Nooooo Noooo” as he pushed my face down on his penis.

Both Brothers laughed and said “Hahahahahaha … shes doing it ……… Hahahahahaha … do more ….. put your month on it”

Oldest Brother watching the other brother do this to me said: “ohhhhhhh … this is fun ….. we will get you ice cream ….  hahahahahahahah”

I am very sad now and can’t write anymore.  I was 7 years old, the brother directly raping me was 14 1/2 years old, the oldest brother that watched was 16 years old.

:bawling:  I hope to let go of these memories some day but they still haunt me and bring up horrible feelings of fear and sadness.


Aftereffects

Over the last 30 years, not a single day goes by without me being reminded by my haunting past of child sexual abuse.   Since childhood, I have suffered with the aftereffects of this trauma every day, up to 10 times within the same day.   Below is a typical list of aftereffects I experience: