Violence UnSilenced Story – Revised and Revived

My story from September 29, 2011 was removed from the Violence Unsilenced Website.  I completely understand why.  My story was fragmented, rambling, and difficult to understand.  It is clear I was in an extreme amount of pain at that time.  I have salvaged what I thought was worth keeping and tried to clean it up in a more understandable format.

Here is the edited form of the story …

The following are the sexual abusive acts my brothers either did to me or did in front of me using some form of force, manipulation, and/or intimidation while I was between the ages of 5 – 11 years old during the 1970s:

Violence Labeled:

Types of Abuses Oldest Brother 2nd Oldest Brother
Hands-off Abuse (In my presence):
·         Verbal Sexual Taunting & cruel mockery me X X
·         Sexual Grooming of me X X
·         Sexual Acts between brothers X X
·         Full Frontal Nudity X X
·         Masturbation X X
·         Exposure to Pornography X X
·         Encouraging and Viewing other brother rape me while he masturbated. X
Hands-on Abuse to me:
·         Sexual fondling, touching, or sexual contact X
·         Oral to genital contact X
·         Attempted intercourse (Simulated Sex) X
·         Actual intercourse (Rape) X
·         Physical injuries resulting from rapes X
·         Visit to the ER as a result of one sever physical injury X
  • The oldest brother fully admitted and took responsibility for his part and has shown full remorse for his part. He agreed with my memory of what was done to me.
  • The 2nd oldest brother minimized his actions, blamed me, and gave numerous excuses. He never showed me the same remorse and full responsibility for his actions that B1 has shown.

Clues sexual abuse was going on in childhood:

  • Frequent complaints of stomach aches and head aches
  • Low productivity in school: Special low Math and reading groups (K – 8). Evaluation for Special school district in 5th grade
  • Speech therapy focused on lack of “TH” sound usage (the blended consonants represented the abuse and my brothers used this sound for taunting me in front of my parents.)
  • Phenobarbital prescribed at the end of 2nd grade and continued into 3rd grade for emotional turmoil.
  • UTIs
  • Unexplained bruises on my thighs
  • ER visit for vaginal bleeding at age 7 due to lacerations inside my vagina.

My parents found out about the abuse when I was 16. My mother found my journals. I was very depressed at 16. My mother’s response was a drunken rage and making fun of me and my journals. My father joined in when he came home. I really wanted to commit suicide that night but instead I shut up and shut down and became submissive like so many other times in my life.  I was broken.

I can’t remember a time that PTSD, depression, and distorted thinking has not been a part of my life.  I have been in counseling or therapy most of my adult life.  I still struggle with interpersonal relationships, depression, and sorted other emotional problems. I struggle to avoid isolation. I am in charge of my own life and I know I can’t blame current situations on my past.  Taking care of me and my healing process has to remain first if I am to thrive and enjoy my life today.  I am more than my past.


One Comment on “Violence UnSilenced Story – Revised and Revived”

  1. John Miller says:

    You are a strong and courageous survivor, my friend – don;t ever think otherwise!

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