Taboo Sibling Incest / Sibling Sexual Abuse (non-consensual)

Sibling Incest is also known as Sibling Sexual Abuse and is a form of non-consensual intrafamilial sexual abuse.  Intrafamilial sexual abuse is another term used to describe incest or child sexual abuse that occurs within the family.  According to the WHO (World Health Organization), Incest/intrafamilial abuse accounts for about one third of all child sexual abuse cases.
Sibling sex abuse is now recognized as the most common form of intrafamilial sexual abuse.
In times of great sorrow people tend to go to the comfort of family and friends. But what do you do if the source of your sorrow is a life changing event that is considered taboo? What if this life changing event is sexual abuse committed by an aggressor in our own immediate family? How do we relate to our family, friends, and others when the topic is considered “forbidden”?  Do you risk telling anyone?  Sibling Sexual Abuse is an unfortunate truth that is many times ignored and/or not discussed since most people avoid this taboo like a skeleton(s) in the closet. However, people still pretend and choose to avoid dealing with the looming big issue.
skeletons-in-closet“Skeletons in the closet” is an idiom used to describe an undisclosed fact about someone which, if revealed, would have a negative impact on that person.
I remember, at 13, the first time I learned the meaning of the word “taboo”. The definition in the dictionary gave a few examples of what taboo is and of course incest was listed. The small voice inside me agreed “yes … this happened to me but I can’t talk about it … now what?”  13 is when the nightmares started and flashbacks were almost a constant companion.  My eyes opened and my reality altered. This whole facade of my “hero” “brother” came crashing in. I was able for the first time to see what he did to me was sexual abuse.  I remember looking up the word incest in the dictionary numerous times because I realized that this definition fit me and the “brother” I loved so much, and I now felt hatred.  The paradox of loving and hating the same person at the same time began.
crime_victimTaboo signifies that a truth or something is forbidden, perverse, unclean, or cursed.   A topic so taboo tends to leave the survivor of sibling sexual abuse many times without a voice. 
Incest is frequently referred to as taboo however; incest can refer to consensual and non-consensual sex acts between close blood relations. Sibling sexual abuse is a term sometimes referred to as sibling incest, but for the purpose of this blog, both terms are referring to non-consensual Intrafamilial sexual violence. Non-consensual sibling incest is the result (not the cause) of family dysfunction with the parent’s failure to pay attention to the trust that they have placed in one of their children over another child, such as, baby-sitting. My own family had troubles way before either of my brothers started “grooming” me.
thicker“The taboo against talking about incest is stronger than the taboo against doing it” – Maria Sauzier, M.D1
My visit to the ER at 7 years old in 1974 with blood coming from tares inside my vagina was a major red flag of physical signs of being raped (by my older “brother”).  This was an obvious truth that was being ignored and remained unaddressed.  The doctor treated the wounds but not the cause.  I was very afraid and could not remember how this happen.  The doctor was more concerned for my mother’s overt hysteria and calming her down than for the silent little girl bleeding on the examination table. I was sent home.  The cause, my “brother”, continued to rape me for several more years.
tumblr_m0g693qcKM1r4m87ko1_500Visible signs of child sexual abuse are rare but when physical signs are demonstrated and ignored, then an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed similar to the account of the “Emperor’s New Clothes” or the metaphor of an “elephant in the room”. 
An “elephant in the room” is an English metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. The expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss. It is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook; however, people still pretend the elephant is not in the room and choose to avoid dealing with the looming big issue.
imagesCASF71OS“Yeah, I see him too … But nobody wants to talk about it!”
It is easier to discount signs of sexual abuse when the victim and the aggressor are both your own children. Another layer of denial and complexity is added to an already troubled home. The parents may find it easier to accept lies (not even very good lies) than have to deal with an unthinkable taboo involving their own children yet the parents are still accountable to protect and help both children.  “Sibling sexual abuse is a gross abuse of trust.  Survivors often reveal feeling betrayed  …”2
new baby sisterFigure 13-1 The new baby sister.  The moment when life’s longest relationship begins.
 In the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes, you would think it would be impossible to overlook a naked King; however, people still pretend the King was wearing clothes and choose to avoid dealing with the looming big issue. It took a child in the crowd, too young to understand the desirability of keeping up the pretense, to blurt out that the Emperor is wearing nothing at all.  the emperor's new clothes
My 2nd oldest “brother” was my baby-sitter. No one could see the signs in me or what signs they saw were dismissed. It is difficult for people to draw conclusions that a little girl is being raped by her big “brother”. My parents failed to pay attention to the trust that they placed in one of their children to be in charge of me. Maintaining family secrecy and saving the dream of the “ideal family” is placed before the welfare of their victimized child in order to protect themselves and their aggressor child from any outside legal/social advocacy, intervention, interference, and most of all embarrassment.
big_brother_is_watching_you_propaganda_poster-re04eeda43f6c4d049e38e774389b109e_aiked_400“… fear, along with shame surrounding the ‘incest taboo’, can mean the victim’s silence extends over the years of childhood, and for some, continuing into adulthood.” 2

 

The referenced pamphlet is an excellent resource for survivors:

  1. Goulburn Valley Centre Against Sexual Assault Sibling Sexual Abuse Pamphlet: http://www.gvcasa.com.au/documents/sibling_sexual_abuse.pdf

Incest Survivors United Voices of America I.S.U.V.O.A.

There are so many resources today to help survivors of incest (child sexual abuse) that I have decided to start featuring one of these resources as least one a month.  So for July 2014, I am featuring Incest Survivors United Voices of America I.S.U.V.O.A.

Incest Survivors United Voices of America I.S.U.V.O.A.

I.S.U.V.O.A. supports men, women and children that have suffered from the effects of sexual violence and child abuse. We draw upon our own personal experience and knowledge as a man and a woman that has endured these tragedies ourselves. We blend together our insights and unique perspectives in a way that is rarely seen to help others gain understanding to heal and be empowered as well to become more than just mere survivors. We hope that you enjoy our website as we each share our unique stories we each have in our journey as individuals and as friends. Our hope is that you can be encouraged and empowered to continue on the journey just as we have to find the peace of mind, strength and understanding to rise up against the devastating effects of abuse just as we have done. We share the hope that is within us to help you and others understand that healing is possible and that together we can make this world a safer place for your children today.

They also have a Blog Talk Radio Program called HOW- Healing Our Wounds Blog Talk Radio.  Check out their website for more information at: http://www.isuvoa.com

This featured resource goes well with a news article I posted back in February 2013 titled “America Has an Incest Problem”  http://paulabrave.wordpress.com/2013/02/

Be Safe – Paula Brave

 


The Secret Life of Paula Brave: Little Girl – Super Hero – Warrior

Introduction

Once upon a time there lived a little girl named Paula Brave. She lived in a small house with her Mother and Father and two older brothers, Stephan and Mark. It appeared to most people that Paula was a typical second grade girl whose day included going to school, playing with dolls, and cuddling cats. But this was not the case for Paula Brave… Paula Brave’s true identity was a super hero warrior!

Paula Brave - Little Girl – Super Hero - Warrior

Paula Brave – Little Girl – Super Hero – Warrior

Chapter 1: Invasion of the Hand People

Bedtime seems like a harmless thing for most kids. “Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite” and then you are off to sleep in dreamland with no further thoughts of the day. This maybe the case for some kids but not for Paula Brave… After bidding her parents good night, Paula would go to her bedroom to change into her protective armor!

Preparations were underway for the invasion … the “Hand People” one of Paula’s most frightening foes. One touch from the enemy caused fatal death. Each night Paula prepared herself by putting on helmet and neck guard (winter hat and scarf). She would then roll up in her blankets securely like a cocoon. The blankets could not hang off the bed or the evil Hand People would have a way to crawl under the blankets to get her.

With helmet, neck guard, and blanket properly in place she could guarantee a night free of the poison hands. But sometimes this did not always work …

Paula wondered if the hand people got into her room through the window that separated her room from her brother’s room. She knew that could not be when she could not open the window. Even using her super power of strength! Paula laid traps (toys) in front of the window just incase the hands made it through window. “That will stop them for sure!” she thought. But sometimes this did not always work …

Sometimes the morning would arrive and she would find the window open with the traps (toys) moved or broken. How could this be?

The hand people could visit her dreams. In her dreams, she would come to a long hallway of arms with hands sprouted from either side of the wall. The door was closed and locked behind her and she was forced to make it down the hall without being touched.

One day Paula found her dream superpower and found out that she could fly away from the wall of grasping hands.

Chapter 2: The Hissing

Fighting with your brothers and sisters is considered typically a normal part of growing up. “Get out of my room!”; “Don’t touch my stuff!”; “You broke it!”; “That’s mine!”; The angry remarks could go on and for most kids, they fade away and are forgotten, but not so for Paula Brave. Sometime when Paula’s parents were not watching, her brothers would turn into SNAKES!

Her brothers would shed their clothes to reveal their scales. Her brother Stephen would become the snake Stephen and her brother Mark would become snake Mark. They would slither about hissing and ask her to play. They would ask her to play without her clothes on so she could be like them. The snake Stephan would stalk and capture Paula. He would wrap around her and move up and down on top of her. The snake-Stephen will flick his tongue on Paula and tell her to stop moving. The snake-Mark would only stalk Paula giggling and hissing while touching himself and Stephan.

Paula could not escape the tight grip of the snake and they could not hear her pleas “Stop it!” so she would use her super powers to take herself away from her body. She would travel to her cat named Tiger where she could be just a little girl with her kitty. They would play with yarn and Paula would feed the cat treats and pet her. Sometimes her cat would turn into a big panther that would protect her from the snakes.

When Stephan the Snake finally let go of Paula sometimes he would talk with the other snake, Mark, and they would stalk and touch each other. They would talk about special showers they would take for each other. Paula would come back to her body after playing with her cat. Sometimes Paula would cry because she did not like her brothers to be snakes and sometimes she did not feel well after being squeezed.

Before the snakes turned back into her brothers they would try to make Paula feel better by telling her how much better she is treated by her parents compared to them and how they were beaten and that she could only trust them and not to trust her parents because they might beat her. Other times the snakes would tell her she was a tattle-tale or a baby. Paula did not want to be baby or tattle-tale and she did not want to be beaten so she did not tell anyone.

Paula would then drift to her bedroom and play with her toys and cat. Sometimes Paula played with her friends outside. Sometimes Paula would forget that her brothers were ever snakes and she would try to play board games with them.

The times that Paula would forget that her brothers turned into snakes, her brothers would hiss at her to remind her. Their hiss was a long “TH” sound and had the power to make Paula cry. They would do this in front of Mom and Dad but her parents did not know their sons could turn into snakes so they would become angry and tell Paula to shut up.

Sometimes her parents knew that her brothers were making her cry and they would tell them to stop it.

There were many angry words and sad times in her house because Paula’s parents did not get along with each other. Sometimes her parents were very angry at Paula’s brothers because they were getting in trouble at school for fighting or doing drugs. Paula would use her super power to go away with her cat so she did not have to hear the anger.

Chapter 3: Tainted Treats

Eating yummy ice cream treats is a fun way to spend a hot summer day. Children that live in the city or suburb look forward to a visit from the ice cream truck. Playing music and ringing a bell. The children run as fast as they can to buy the cold treats. Paula’s family lived next door to an ice cream shop so they did not have to go far to enjoy a sundae. Sometime when Paula’s parents were not watching, her brothers would POISON Paula’s ice cream!

When Paula’s brothers became snakes they would ask her to do things for them and they would give her ice cream. Paula knew she had no choice but to do what they asked but she was not going to eat the ice cream after they poisoned it.

Snake-Stephan would pull Paula’s face into the place where he went pee. First he asked sweetly, pretending that he was not a snake but her brother. Paula whined “nooooooo!” Then he told her that she was going to do that and he would reward her with the best ice cream the shop could offer. Paula whined “nooooooo!” Then he used all his snake cunning and put Paula’s face into the place on his body where he went pee. Paula cried and tried to move. Using her super powers she drifted away to her cat. But she could still hear the snakes hiss, “Haha! She is doing it!”

When she came back to her body, she was frightened and alone on a chair in the basement. Paula’s brothers opened the back door to the basement and cheerfully brought her some ice cream. Paula began to cry. She did not know why she was crying but she did know that she did not want to eat poisoned ice cream. Then Paula’s Dad came in and wanted to know why she was crying. Paula could not talk because she was too sad. Paula’s brothers told their Dad that Paula asked for ice cream and they went to the store and bought her some with their own money and now she does not want it. Stephan exclaimed, “She is nothing but a big BABY!” Paula’s Dad did not know why Paula would be so mean to her brothers and refuse ice cream that they bought for her. Paula’s Dad said, “GO TO YOUR ROOM! HOW CAN YOU TREAT YOUR BROTHERS LIKE THIS!”

Paula went to her room and fell fast asleep and thought no more about the bad trick that her brothers played on her.

Chapter 4: Attack of the Killer Swing

Playing on the playground, sliding down slides, swing on swings, and laughing out loud; a kid in grade school could pass the hours in a park or a backyard with such fun things. Paula’s friends lived just one block away and in their yard was a swing set where she loved to play. But on one particular day the swing that she loved so much turned into a BEAST with sharp teeth!

Today was like any other day for Paula: eat breakfast, watch TV, play with her dolls, and of course her brothers taking her to the basement where they turned into snakes. Just like before, Snake-Stephan would stalk and capture Paula and wrap around her and move up and down on top of her while flicking his tongue. “Stoopp Ittttt” Paula would whined. Snake-Stephan shouted, “STOP MOVING!” Paula started to drift off but this time was different. This time she felt pain. This time the crying started before he was done with her. She then felt no more and drifted further away than she had ever been. Her super powers had grown stronger.

When Basement Snakes Attack!

When she came back to her body, she found herself in the upstairs bathroom wondering how she got there. She felt a sharp pain between her legs. “How embarrassing to hurt right there” she said to herself, “Maybe the pain will go away. Maybe it will go away if I go play”. Paula left her house to go play at her friend’s house. Her friend had to eat dinner but said she could wait outside for her on the swing set. Paula loved to stand on the swing and pretend she was Tarzan. But when she climbed to stand up on the swing she felt an unbearable sharp stab between her legs and then looked down to see blood trickle freely down her legs into her shoes.

Her mind began to race and she became drenched in worry. “It must have been the swing” she muttered quietly to herself. “How embarrassing!” she cried. She went to the friend’s door to ask to use the bathroom. She thought to herself, “I just need to clean this up so know one will know”. Her friend answered the door and let her through to the bathroom. Everyone was in the kitchen and her friend did not notice the blood. Once the door was shut, Paula pulled down her shorts and underwear that were now soaked with blood and tried to wipe up what she could with toilet paper but the blood just kept coming.

It had been a few minutes and Paula’s friend Cathy knocked on the door. “Are you ok in there, Paula?” said Cathy. “Ah well …. I have a problem” Paula replied trying to sound causal, “there is this blood”. “BLOOD!” exclaimed Cathy, “Let me get my Mom!” Paula continued to wipe up the blood from her legs and off her shoes with toilet paper. Then a knock came to the bathroom door again “Paula? Are you okay? I am going to come in.” She opened the door, “OH MY GOD! Go get a towel and wash cloth Cathy!”

Cathy’s Mother helped to clean Paula up and then Paula sat on the side of the tub with a towel between her legs while she waited for her own Mother to get there. Upon her mother’s arrival, Paula could hear Cathy’s Mom tell her own Mother before they entered the bathroom, “She said it was our swing but I don’t see how it is possible since her shorts are not torn … And it does not seem like a period and she is too young for that”. Her mother dressed Paula and put her in the car and drove her home. Paula lay in her own bed with a towel between her legs as she continued to bleed. Her parents started to argue about taking her to the hospital and finally at last her Father picked her up, walked her to the car, and drove her to the emergency room.

Paula was questioned many times about what happen and Paula remained firm that the killer swing was to blame. The doctor told Paula’s Mom that Paula had cuts inside her vagina and he was considering stitches but thought that would take surgery. He wanted to keep Paula over night at the hospital but Paula’s Mom started to scream and cry repeatedly “NO!!!!” Paula got to go back home and sit in a tub with warm water and wear a pad between her legs. After a few weeks her vagina did not hurt and bleed no more.

The killer swing was removed and thrown away and none of this was ever mentioned again.

Chapter 5: Super Hero Warrior

Paula Brave Little Girl Super Hero Warrior lived to fight another day. She built a fortress to fend off the dreaded Hand People. She battled the venomous snakes. She avoided the poisoned ice cream. She had the beastly swing put away where it could never hurt another ever again. Truly, Paula Brave is a Super Hero Warrior.

The snake named Mark turned back into her brother after the monster swing was defeated; However, Paula continued to fight off the snake named Stephen for a few more years. Eventually, Stephen moved away and life started to get better for Paula. Paula’s life was forever changed … for even a Super Hero Warrior carries scars from battles that have long passed.

Paula Brave August 1974

Here is the real Paula Brave preparing for battle as she is standing on the decommissioned USS Inaugural (AM-242) Admirable-class fleet minesweeper in August 1974. The ship was decommissioned in 1946 and set up as a museum ship in St. Louis, Missouri in 1968.


Rewind To Fast-Forward

Director Sasha Joseph Neulinger spent his childhood in front of a camera. His father Henry, also a documentary filmmaker, shot over two hundred hours of home video capturing every aspect of Sasha’s young life. But within the footage of birthday parties, family trips, and hockey games, something dark was hidden.  Sasha revisits his father’s videos and the painful secret of his early years—a secret that would shift the course of his life.

Between the ages of three and seven, Sasha was sexually abused by two of his uncles and one male cousin. After Sasha came forward and spoke up about the abuse, his father Henry shared a secret of his own.  Henry’s brothers, the same men who had abused Sasha, had also abused Henry as a boy.  Sasha spent a decade entangled in the criminal justice system—and struggling to find his identity in the aftermath of his stolen childhood. This autobiographical film will unearth a historical case of multigenerational sexual abuse and by doing so, it will also give intimate and inspiring insight into one survivor’s healing process.

His website is at: http://rewindtofastforward.com/

His Kickstarter Project is at: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sashaneulinger/rewind-to-fast-forward

Visual imagery with audio is a powerful tool. This film is quite significant for me as a survivor.  I hope this young man succeeds in his Kickstarter project because I look forward to watching his film.  


Two major causes to be aware of in April: Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness

Some Secrets Should be Told – child sexual abuse … tell someone you trust.

To make copies of the above poster go to: http://www.somesecretsshouldbetold.com

Under the picture it explains how to make your own 8 1/2 X 11 copies.

Please post where adults and children can see it.

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month!

 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month


Desire and Defense: Survivors of Sibling Abuse challenged by Intimacy (Amy Meyers, PhD, LCSW February 19, 2014)

Our primary motivation is to feel a sense of connection to others (Fairbairn, 1952). The root of all connectedness begins with mother-infant, yet siblings soon become a key source of emotional connection (Winnicott, 1971). When children lack nurturing relationships in their home, they search for that connection throughout their life. Families set a precedent for how its members understand closeness with another person; how they think about connectedness; and how they experience intimacy. Because victims of sibling abuse do not have a model for a “healthy” and satisfying connection, there is a tendency in adulthood to seek out relationships that repeat aspects of their previous experiences.

Survivors of sibling abuse endure feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and inferiority that erodes self-esteem. This ultimately influences the nature and quality of relationships to others. When one’s most trusted peer—the sibling—betrays the sanctity of that relationship, the idea of closeness—and of intimacy—becomes fraught with danger. As a result, survivors develop defenses against and within intimate relationships as an attempt to self-protect from re-traumatization.

See more of the article at: Desire and Defense: Survivors of Sibling Abuse challenged by Intimacy

Also see her latest journal article:

Meyers, Amy. (2014): “A call to child welfare: Protect children from sibling abuse” Qualitative Social Work March 12, 2014http://qsw.sagepub.com/content/early/2014/03/09/1473325014527332.abstract

Abstract

Sibling abuse is extremely common, yet child welfare does not provide statutes for its identification and workers are not trained to identify its occurrence. This retrospective study explored adults survivors’ experiences of childhood and adolescent sibling abuse and the family environment that engendered hostile sibling relationships. The varying parental responses from punitive to neglect to collusion with the perpetrator resulted in feelings of helplessness and worthlessness in the victim. Personal narratives of survivors highlight the sibling abusive experience and underscore its devastating repercussions. Recommendations are presented for child welfare to establish sibling abuse as a phenomenon in need of recognition and include siblings in risk assessment.

p7_selfesteem

 


Healing is not linear; the cycle is often repeated. – Judith L Herman M.D.

“Resolution of the trauma is never final; recovery is never complete. The impact of the traumatic event continues to reverberate throughout the survivor’s life-cycle. Issues that were sufficiently resolved at one stage of recovery may be reawakened as the survivor reaches new milestones in [their] development.”

 - Herman, JL. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. New York: Basic Books.

Compassion_Gandhi_2600x587


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